Pant Shitter

A Situational Survival Guide

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You’re at the dentist’s office

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Cold sensitivity in a tooth is one of the worst troubles a human can experience. You can’t have a slurpee drink from 7-11 with that going on. The slurpee machine is out of order when you have a sensitive tooth you just have to tell yourself. No, I will not get a raspberry pomegranate frozen chemical drink today. I’ll come back and get an ice cream sandwich once I have my teeth looked at. It’s time to schedule an appointment. Call up the lady at the front desk to ask her when  you can get your teeth looked at. Tell her you have a cold sensitivity and can’t drink slurpee drinks and she will schedule you ahead of somebody else and bump them back. Hold your fart back until after you hang up. She’s not getting paid to listen to you unload your tank on the phone. Once she hangs up you can blow another hole in your boxer-briefs.

As we know, preparation is always key. The night before your dentist visit, eat nothing but soup. The next day, eat a large lunch before you arrive at the dentist’s office. You should eat a big fucking egg sandwich with a grossly huge  glob of cheese and greasy Paris-style frenched fries. Don’t worry about arriving on-time because they won’t call you in until 15 minutes after your scheduled appointment. They will say your name now, and they will never forget you. As you lie down on the dentist’s chair and they hoist you up, try not to think of the greasy, disgusting potato coursing through your small intestine. Think rather of the old idiom – if a bear shits in the woods and there’s nobody around to smell it does it still happen? As the dentist is Rolex-deep in your foul mouth, try to warn them that you are about to shit your pants by grunting at them. At first it’s a fart, but then your ass has a root canal. Boy, what did you eat? The dentist’s eyes are watering both from the stench and the thought of buying a new $10,000 dentist’s chair. In my experience, most dentists won’t even halt the procedure and will finish the job.

If the dentist DOES halt the procedure, feel free to ask to be lowered so that you can go into the bathroom and lower your pants and clean out the remainder. Find your extra pair of pants and change into them. There’s no reason to be ashamed of yourself because dentists are not real people. It’s fair to refuse to sit in the chair that you just shit in because it smells like shit. Ask to be seated in a different chair. A couple of times, I’ve been asked to undergo an x-ray to ensure I wasn’t harboring any additional nuggets in my digestive system. One or two times, I’ve been asked to go back into the bathroom to finish shitting before being re-seated. Caught me.

After you leave, the office may have to reschedule appointments for the rest of the day and the next day so that they can hire a cleaning crew to come in. Don’t worry about it, you’re only preventing people from going to the dentist’s office, which is a place they didn’t want to go to anyway. “Ugh I hate going to the dentist” is what they would post on facebook. Instead they will post on yelp “they called me to reschedule my appointment because they said somebody ‘sharted’ in the chair. ummm no.. I’m going somewhere else. Gross!” and they will rate the place 1 star and they will receive 17 useful, 2 funny, and 6 cool ratings.

"that's only plaque.. I swear!!"

Written by pantshitter

April 24, 2012 at 10:07 pm

You’re singing karaoke

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You’re singing karaoke and all of the sudden, your bowels explode right into your pants. Good till the last drop it’s not. Hopefully you’re more than halfway through the song, because you still have to finish it. What would your friends say if you got halfway through the song and you immediately ran to the bathroom leaving a vile, brown sludge in your wake? While you’re finishing the song, try to focus on the lyrics and not so much the fact that your pants are now twice as heavy.

When you finish the song, politely excuse yourself to the restroom. Tell them you’ll be gone for a while with a smirk. You shit in your pants so you’re going to need to take a quick reprieve from singing. Open up Yelp on your iPhone and type in “pants” to locate the nearest pants store. When you get to the pants store, find a pair of pants that are the same color as yours (brown) so that your friends won’t know that you changed your pants. When you get into the changing room, the key here is to not transfer any of the shit over from the old pants to the new pants. Return the soiled pants to the rack and leave the store wearing the new pants. Double your pleasure, double your fun.

When you get back to the karaoke bar, your friends will not be there. They had to leave the place because it smelled like shit in there and the staff decided to close it down for the night. They know you did it. They know you shit your pants while singing. They had the time of their lives. Check your phone – there’s a post on your facebook wall.

Written by pantshitter

April 4, 2012 at 9:02 pm