Posts Tagged ‘facebook’
Cold sensitivity in a tooth is one of the worst troubles a human can experience. You can’t have a slurpee drink from 7-11 with that going on. The slurpee machine is out of order when you have a sensitive tooth you just have to tell yourself. No, I will not get a raspberry pomegranate frozen chemical drink today. I’ll come back and get an ice cream sandwich once I have my teeth looked at. It’s time to schedule an appointment. Call up the lady at the front desk to ask her when you can get your teeth looked at. Tell her you have a cold sensitivity and can’t drink slurpee drinks and she will schedule you ahead of somebody else and bump them back. Hold your fart back until after you hang up. She’s not getting paid to listen to you unload your tank on the phone. Once she hangs up you can blow another hole in your boxer-briefs.
As we know, preparation is always key. The night before your dentist visit, eat nothing but soup. The next day, eat a large lunch before you arrive at the dentist’s office. You should eat a big fucking egg sandwich with a grossly huge glob of cheese and greasy Paris-style frenched fries. Don’t worry about arriving on-time because they won’t call you in until 15 minutes after your scheduled appointment. They will say your name now, and they will never forget you. As you lie down on the dentist’s chair and they hoist you up, try not to think of the greasy, disgusting potato coursing through your small intestine. Think rather of the old idiom – if a bear shits in the woods and there’s nobody around to smell it does it still happen? As the dentist is Rolex-deep in your foul mouth, try to warn them that you are about to shit your pants by grunting at them. At first it’s a fart, but then your ass has a root canal. Boy, what did you eat? The dentist’s eyes are watering both from the stench and the thought of buying a new $10,000 dentist’s chair. In my experience, most dentists won’t even halt the procedure and will finish the job.
If the dentist DOES halt the procedure, feel free to ask to be lowered so that you can go into the bathroom and lower your pants and clean out the remainder. Find your extra pair of pants and change into them. There’s no reason to be ashamed of yourself because dentists are not real people. It’s fair to refuse to sit in the chair that you just shit in because it smells like shit. Ask to be seated in a different chair. A couple of times, I’ve been asked to undergo an x-ray to ensure I wasn’t harboring any additional nuggets in my digestive system. One or two times, I’ve been asked to go back into the bathroom to finish shitting before being re-seated. Caught me.
After you leave, the office may have to reschedule appointments for the rest of the day and the next day so that they can hire a cleaning crew to come in. Don’t worry about it, you’re only preventing people from going to the dentist’s office, which is a place they didn’t want to go to anyway. “Ugh I hate going to the dentist” is what they would post on facebook. Instead they will post on yelp “they called me to reschedule my appointment because they said somebody ‘sharted’ in the chair. ummm no.. I’m going somewhere else. Gross!” and they will rate the place 1 star and they will receive 17 useful, 2 funny, and 6 cool ratings.