Pant Shitter

A Situational Survival Guide

You’re singing karaoke

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You’re singing karaoke and all of the sudden, your bowels explode right into your pants. Good till the last drop it’s not. Hopefully you’re more than halfway through the song, because you still have to finish it. What would your friends say if you got halfway through the song and you immediately ran to the bathroom leaving a vile, brown sludge in your wake? While you’re finishing the song, try to focus on the lyrics and not so much the fact that your pants are now twice as heavy.

When you finish the song, politely excuse yourself to the restroom. Tell them you’ll be gone for a while with a smirk. You shit in your pants so you’re going to need to take a quick reprieve from singing. Open up Yelp on your iPhone and type in “pants” to locate the nearest pants store. When you get to the pants store, find a pair of pants that are the same color as yours (brown) so that your friends won’t know that you changed your pants. When you get into the changing room, the key here is to not transfer any of the shit over from the old pants to the new pants. Return the soiled pants to the rack and leave the store wearing the new pants. Double your pleasure, double your fun.

When you get back to the karaoke bar, your friends will not be there. They had to leave the place because it smelled like shit in there and the staff decided to close it down for the night. They know you did it. They know you shit your pants while singing. They had the time of their lives. Check your phone – there’s a post on your facebook wall.

Written by pantshitter

April 4, 2012 at 9:02 pm

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